"Don't Trust the Furniture" | ClancyPasta PRESENTS

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[00:00:50] ClancyPasta presents Don't Trust the Furniture by Oddband4858 and you're listening to ClancyPasta. I don't know why we even went into that damn antique shop. Neither of us were particularly into antiques and even furniture for that matter.

[00:01:22] It was just something to do as we wandered through town. Something to pass the time on that beautiful autumn day. Miles! Luis said. Check out this chair! I peered through the dust as my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting of the store. Victorian Folding Chair. 75% off.

[00:01:45] I didn't know they had folding chairs around back then, I said. The chair was certainly unusual looking. It was made of some type of red polished wood. It had carved claw feet. A high back that was slightly crooked as though it had been broken at some point. In long spindly legs. Luis's face lit up.

[00:02:15] We have to get it! I was skeptical. The chair looked uncomfortable and it didn't match any of our other furniture. As if reading my mind, Luis plopped into it. The chair accepted her weight with a satisfied little sigh. It has character! She insisted. It's perfect! Please, please, please, please, please!

[00:02:48] Luis shoved the chair unceremoniously in the corner of our living room. And I didn't think about it again for the rest of the day. We had a nice little evening. We met up with friends to play games and got dessert at the new Vietnamese bakery around the corner. Luis finished the Tuesday crossword and I went to bed early. I woke up the next morning in an awful mood.

[00:03:17] I had slept restlessly, tossing and turning all night. I fixed myself a bowl of cereal, but when I grabbed the carton of milk from the fridge, it was empty. Blue! I said, exasperated, but she had her headphones on. She just smiled and gave me a thumbs up.

[00:03:46] On my way out the door to work, I tripped over the new chair, banging my shin pretty badly. Louise must have dragged it into the hallway for some reason. And she'd scratched up the floor in the process. Shaking my head, I carried the chair back to the living room and dumped my dry cornflakes in the trash.

[00:04:13] That evening was probably the first time I started actually paying attention. Louise and I were on the couch, half watching an old movie, when I heard an odd noise. It sounded just like someone clearing their throat. But it wasn't coming from Louise. It was coming from across the room.

[00:04:41] I paused the TV and it happened again more quietly this time. I think it's coming from that chair, I said. We both crept over and put our ears against the warm wood. We waited and waited, but all was silent.

[00:05:10] Maybe it's termites, Louise said, grinning up at me. Or bedbugs! Lou, no! I stared at her in horror. You better not have brought bedbugs into this house. She was laughing now, but I was serious. They get into everything. If this chair has bedbugs, they'll be in all our furniture before we know it. They are impossible to get rid of.

[00:05:43] I had trouble sleeping again that night. I felt on edge for some reason, each creak and thump of the house settling jolting me awake. At one point, I thought I heard the sound of a door closing somewhere upstairs. I sat up in bed and tried to shake Louise awake. She hadn't heard it, of course. She always slept like the dead.

[00:06:13] A gust of wind, she mumbled without opening her eyes. I waited several minutes before I eventually drifted back into a fitful sleep.

[00:06:24] I was like, I'm Steve. I'm Steve.

[00:07:03] I'm Steve. I'm Steve.

[00:07:34] I'm Steve. I'm Steve. I'm Steve. I'm Steve. I'm Steve. The lack of sleep, I'm sure, was not helping my mood. If you finish something, please remember to replace it. The same with the milk.

[00:08:03] What milk? Louise retorted, eyes flashing. I didn't use up your stupid shower gel, Miles. Why would I want to smell like fresh sandalwood? I scowled, but I didn't want to fight this early in the morning, so I toweled off in silence. We headed downstairs. I stopped short when I saw it.

[00:08:33] The chair. It was inexplicably damp, a small puddle of water pooling beneath. From it, wafted the unmistakable scent of fresh sandalwood. Louise and I just stood there for a moment, looking at it. Are you fucking with me? I asked.

[00:09:03] It was hard to tell, sometimes. Louise did have an odd sense of humor. Are you fucking with me? She said. We exchanged an uneasy glance. Then... Bed bugs, Louise said in a spooky voice. That broke the tension, and we both laughed. But I didn't feel better.

[00:09:37] Night time, and yet again, I couldn't fucking sleep. Distant sounds, like someone setting a plate down. A sticky drawer closing. Footsteps. Footsteps. Footsteps. I opened my eyes. Yes. There were definitely footsteps walking down the hallway. Uneven footsteps.

[00:10:07] Bare feet. A slight limp. Footsteps. Coming closer. And closer. I held my breath. The bedroom door opened, and I saw a man enter the room.

[00:10:31] It was a strange, crooked man, with long toenails and a nicely trimmed mustache. He looked me right in the eyes. He looked me right in the eyes, and nodded once, appraisingly. He folded himself into the corner of the room and crouched there, almost disappearing into the darkness. And then, he didn't move.

[00:11:02] I stared back at him in disbelief. Then, with a yell of complete terror, I leapt out of bed and flung on the light. What? What? What? Said Luis, finally waking all at once and spitting out her night guard in a panic. I stared into the corner. There was no man.

[00:11:30] Just that damn chair lurking up at me. Luis tried to convince me that it was a dream. A night terror. A trick of the light. It happens to everyone, she insisted. You see a pile of laundry in the dark, and you think it's a serial killer.

[00:12:00] Yesterday, I screamed because I saw the coat rack out of the corner of my eye. But she hadn't been there. This was different. Tomorrow? I am getting rid of that chair, I declared. I folded it up and put it in the very top of our closet.

[00:12:27] I wedged the closet door closed with a clothes hanger. We did not discuss how the chair had gotten into our bedroom. That mystery hung between us. Unspoken. The morning, I gave away the chair. I woke up feeling at peace for the first time all week.

[00:12:57] I wasn't surprised that it fell on me when I opened the closet to get it out. And I wasn't surprised that it pinched my finger, drawing blood, when I picked it back up, either. Not much surprised me anymore. I'll return it to the antique shop on my way to work, I said, rubbing my sore head. Lou?

[00:13:28] Louisa left her tea steeping on the kitchen table. Cinnamon. With two tea bags. Extra strong, just as she liked it. I heard a toilet flush from the upstairs bathroom. Bye! I called out to her. The antique shop, it turned out, did not accept returns.

[00:13:58] So I put the chair outside on the street instead for the garbage collectors. Within minutes, a family drove up, inspected it, and loaded it into their car. I almost felt like I should stop them. But what would I even say? As they drove away with the chair, I could finally breathe again.

[00:14:22] I went for a long bike ride after work. And when I returned home, it was already getting dark. The first thing I noticed was Louisa's tea on the table, cold and undrunk. The water had turned an odd crimson color.

[00:14:52] It must have been steeping all day. The second thing was the unmistakable sensation that I was being watched. I called. I wandered through the house, swallowing hard. Louise?

[00:15:22] The third thing I noticed was the sound. Like people whispering just out of earshot? Was it my imagination? I hesitated outside the little side room we had converted into an office. Right as I flung open the door, I swear I heard someone say, Shh! But the room was empty.

[00:15:50] Just the desk and our cracked, white bookshelf. Louise was not in the kitchen, or the upstairs bathroom, or the downstairs bathroom, or the bedroom either. Our house was not that big. So, I took out my phone and called her.

[00:16:20] After a moment, I heard her ringtone strangely muffled in. After another several minutes of searching, I found her phone in the couch. It was not wedged in the crack between pillows, where it presumably might have fallen out of a pocket and been forgotten.

[00:16:42] No, it was placed neatly beneath the seat cushions, nestled against the couch's bony frame. As I was standing back up, turning the phone over in my hands. It happened. Someone behind me said,

[00:17:09] Eh, eh, eh, eh. It was a toneless, creaking voice, devoid of all meaning. It made my blood run cold. Eh, eh, eh, eh. The person said again, rhythmically.

[00:17:40] I froze my heart in my throat. I did not dare turn around. Instead, I very carefully raised my eyes to the landing mirror and checked the reflection. Squatting behind me, swaying from one foot to the other, was a large woman I'd never seen before,

[00:18:08] wearing a pale floral dress. She met my gaze and nodded once, with an unsettling certainty. Eh, eh, eh, eh, she said. I whirled around. There was no woman behind me. Just my creaky old recliner. The one I've had for years,

[00:18:38] gently rocking back and forth. In a total panic, I ran into my bedroom and locked it. I pushed my dresser against the door for good measure. That's where I am now. Where I've been for the past two hours. I don't know what to do. There's no way in hell I'm going back out there.

[00:19:08] Should I call the police? They'll think I'm crazy. Maybe I am. All I know is, I'm hiding under my covers, trembling from head to toe, trying my best to stay calm. But beneath me, I swear to God, I can feel my bed breathing.

[00:19:33] Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweetgreen's fall harvest menu is back, with seasonal favorites, dressed to impress, and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave-worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate, and roasted bacon Brussels side.

[00:20:03] The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen, featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app.