"I Work at a Used Mattress Store. We Don't Offer Refunds" | ClancyPasta PRESENTS

[00:00:00] At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not in network. Press 1 for more options. You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months. But ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc. Ready to be seen?

[00:00:30] This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. For 125 years, Nordstrom has been part of your story. The stylist who found the perfect outfit for your big interview. The first pair of walking shoes for your one-year-old. The tomato soup you shared with your sister at the cafe. These are the moments that make Nordstrom, Nordstrom. Big or small, we're here for all of it. Celebrating 125 years with new moments still add. Discover it all in Nordstrom stores and at Nordstrom.com.

[00:00:59] Clancy Pasta presents. I work at a used mattress store. We don't offer refunds. Buy no cardiologist, 1353. And you're listening to Clancy Pasta.

[00:01:30] Let me give you a bit of advice. Never buy a used mattress. No matter how cheap, it's just not worth it. And it's not bed bugs or bodily fluids that are the problem. About a month ago, I sat on the couch in my mom's basement. I was looking for work.

[00:01:55] The last job I had told me I needed to take a permanent vacation. A humbling thing to hear from McDonald's. I scrolled lazily through online listings. Everything I saw either didn't pay enough or required some experience that I didn't have. That is, all but one. What caught my eye was the pay. $45 an hour.

[00:02:25] What's more, no experience required. A security guard position at Uncle Dan's Mattress Emporium. I applied. And the next morning, an email informed me I had been hired. And my first day was Monday at 10am. No call. No interview. But I wasn't complaining. Yet on the following Monday,

[00:02:54] I found myself sitting in my worn-down car in Uncle Dan's empty parking lot at 9.50. The parking lot was large but run down. Wild weed sprouted in cracks in the weathered asphalt. Uncle Dan's Mattress Emporium was a massive, bland warehouse. Dirty, grayish-white walls bore no windows

[00:03:22] and were only broken up by a row of glass automatic doors in the center. Above them, a huge sign shouted, Uncle Dan's Mattress Emporium! in a dull lemon yellow. Next to the wort, a winking man with an oversaturated mustache grinned wildly into the parking lot. I walked up to the store. The first thing I noticed

[00:03:52] was two bright red posters on the sliding door that read, No refunds. All sales final. Reaching the doors, they didn't open for me. Looking inside, the lights were off, but movement caught my eye, so I banged on the glass till a figure moved towards the door.

[00:04:20] The man inside flipped a switch near the doors, and they opened for me. We're not open for another forty minutes, he stated dryly. He was a slender man, except for a large, round in belly. A comb-over failed to hide his balding head, and a large mustache covered his upper lip. He wore a red polo tucked into tan, stained slacks.

[00:04:50] A thick gold chain hung around his neck. Um, no, I'm not here to shop. I'm Matt. Today's supposed to be my first day? I took a step inside. All right. Our new day shift guard. He sighed. Follow me. He turned and began to walk away,

[00:05:19] and I hurried to catch up. We awkwardly walked in silence for a while, and before I asked, Are you Dan? Who? Um, Uncle Dan? No. Oh, sorry. I'm Paul, the owner. So, who's Dan? What the hell are you talking about? Nothing.

[00:05:49] Never mind. He grunted and pointed to a hallway across the show floor. The break room is down that hall. I'll meet you there. I've got to grab some papers from my office. I nodded and headed towards the break room. The showroom was cavernous, and every inch seemed to be used.

[00:06:17] Hundreds of display mattresses were set up, leaving a maze of narrow walkways. The break room was just as dingy as the rest of the place. A peeling fake leather couch sat against the far wall, and a small table and three chairs sat in the center of the room. An old fridge and kitchen sink were all that filled the rest of the space. Finding a doctor is hard enough. Finding the right doctor, even harder.

[00:06:46] Someone who takes your insurance, has an available appointment when you need one, and feels like someone you can actually open up to. That's where ZocDoc comes in. Download the ZocDoc app to search and compare doctors by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, find the right fit for you, and book instantly. Because getting seen by the right doctor matters. ZocDoc. Ready to be seen? Download the ZocDoc app today. This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom.

[00:07:15] For 125 years, Nordstrom has been part of your story. The stylist who found the perfect outfit for your big interview. The first pair of walking shoes for your one-year-old. The tomato soup you shared with your sister at the cafe. These are the moments that make Nordstrom, Nordstrom. Big or small, we're here for all of it. Celebrating 125 years, with new moments still ahead. Discover it all in Nordstrom stores and at Nordstrom.com.

[00:07:43] I sat at the table and waited a moment. Later, Paul entered and sat across from me. He handed me the standard paperwork for me to sign and, as I signed, he lifted a paper for me to see and said, I'm going to read this. It's part of our onboarding process. He gave a very dry reading.

[00:08:14] Welcome to your new career at Uncle Dan's Mattress. We're happy to have you as part of the family. Here at Dan's, we are proud to be the region's largest seller of used mattresses. What? I interrupted. Huh? Used mattresses? Yeah. We buy used mattresses from hotels,

[00:08:43] estate sales, and police auctions. We then sell them at a discount. I didn't know people bought used mattresses. He shrugged and kept on reading. We strive to be a good working environment, and we are proud to offer our employees a generous 10% off any mattresses. Each employee will get two unpaid 10-minute breaks

[00:09:11] and a 30-minute lunch break per 8-hour shift. We are thankful for our workers, and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask your shift manager. His face was blank when he looked up from the paper. Any questions? I shook my head. Good, he said. You are our new daytime security guard.

[00:09:42] He paused to release a sigh. Part of your job will be to be on the lookout for people casing the place. We've had break-ins before. He scratched his balding head. But the biggest part of your job will be handling people attempting to return a mattress. We don't accept returns, or offer refunds.

[00:10:12] I nodded. I saw the sign, I said. Good, Paul replied. Some people get pretty aggressive when trying to return an item, so we need you to be the hard no and enforce our policy. I nodded. Can do. Good. Your uniform is in the office. Go put it on.

[00:10:44] I got up and headed towards the door. As I reached it, Paul spoke up. Oh, another thing? I turned back towards him. He tossed me a handheld timer. Don't let customers test the mattresses too long. Nobody lies on anything for more than ten minutes. Why? Because that's the policy.

[00:11:12] What happens after ten minutes? He looked at me like I'd asked something stupid. You don't let them go to ten minutes. Got it? If someone gets close to ten minutes, don't argue with them, just get them off. Yeah, I got it. I said, with a nod.

[00:11:41] Must be... worried about bedbugs? I thought to myself, as I went to try on my uniform. By the time I returned from putting my cheap security uniform on, the majority of the sales staff had arrived. They all seemed nice enough, and before long, the store was open for business. That first day was nothing strange.

[00:12:09] I did my best to not be conspicuous, as I kept an eye on the customers. By the afternoon, I decided to start informing customers that they could only test the mattresses for a short period. Most people just nodded. But when they realized I was watching, they never lay down for long. Only a young couple gave me trouble. They laughed when I told them, and as I watched,

[00:12:39] they mocked me. But when I threatened to kick them out after they had been testing the bed for nine minutes, they made a scene and threatened to give us bad reviews online as they stormed out. Paul stopped by after they left. All he said was, good job. Keep it up.

[00:13:08] The next few days were ordinary, if not dull. I found myself settling into a job that was proving to be more boring than McDonald's. It was Friday, when things began to change. It was late in the day, about 45 minutes before closing time. I had already mentally checked out for the day. But then our last customer of the day walked in.

[00:13:37] She was young. My guess was she was a college freshman. She was dirty. Her hair was unkempt, and she looked like she hadn't washed in days. Her face was full of fear, and her eyes were red and swollen, like she had been crying nonstop. As she walked into the store, she dragged a filthy, yellowed,

[00:14:06] twin-sized mattress behind her. As she walked in, her eyes locked onto me. Her pace quickened towards me, and tears began to fall down her cheeks. I need to return this mattress, please. Her voice was desperate. Instinctively, I took a step back as she reached me.

[00:14:35] Raising both hands towards her, I calmly said, I'm sorry, ma'am, but we don't offer refunds. No, you don't understand. It's ruining my life. Please. She begged. I didn't know what to say, so I just repeated myself. Ma'am, we don't offer refunds. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

[00:15:06] I don't want a refund. I just need to get rid of this damn mattress. Please. I raised my voice slightly. Ma'am, we don't accept returns. Please take your mattress and leave the store. No! She screamed wildly before dropping the mattress and running out of the store. I took a deep breath

[00:15:34] and tried to calm down. The woman's yellow mattress lay on the floor. I stared at it, noticing a dark red stain on the far corner that seemed to continue onto the underside. It looked... bold. The reddish-brown color was so ingrained in the fabric that it seemed like no stain remover could remove it.

[00:16:02] The mattress made me uncomfortable, so... I left it where it lay and used my earpiece to call for Paul. Paul walked up slowly. His eyes glanced from the mattress to me. What happened? He asked. A customer wanted to return this. When I said no, she left it and ran off before I could stop her.

[00:16:31] A flash of concern appeared and disappeared on Paul's face. He stared at the mattress and quietly swore under his breath. Finally, he looked at me and asked, Did you... touch it? I shook my head no. Good. Wait here. He jogged off to his office and returned a moment later

[00:16:59] with two pairs of black gloves. He tossed a pair to me while he put his on. Put these on, he said blankly. I didn't argue. Once our gloves were on, we carried the mattress to Paul's truck. The sun was beginning to set. Get in, Paul demanded.

[00:17:29] In silence, we drove down a dark dirt road. Paul seemed to know where we were going, but I certainly didn't. Paul slowed the truck as we neared a dead end deep in the woods. Did she touch you? Paul broke the silence. What? The girl who brought the mattress, did she touch you? No.

[00:18:00] I... don't think so. He nodded his head slowly. That's good. Can't be too careful. The truck stopped and we unloaded the mattress onto what looked like a burn pile. Paul dosed the thing with lighter fluid and tossed a match onto it. Instantly, it ignited. The two of us stood there

[00:18:29] watching the orange flames consume the old mattress. I turned to look at Paul and couldn't help but ask, why did we do this? He stared into the flames and shrugged. You never know what's on these old things. He turned to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

[00:18:58] You did good today. How about you take the day off tomorrow? We'll pay you for the day to make up for your trouble tonight. I nodded and we returned to the truck. I returned to work on Monday. It was even more boring than last week. A few angry customers tried to return their mattress. An old woman screamed in my face when I refused to return

[00:19:28] but took her mattress with her when I threatened to call the cops. The week dragged on. It was Thursday night, an hour before closing. Paul walked up to me. A frown filled his face. Everything okay, boss? I cautiously asked. Well, not really. He replied.

[00:19:58] I swallowed, preparing for the worst. Our night guard called in sick. He said with a sigh. He looked me in the eye. I really need someone here tonight. I know you're probably wanting to head home but if you could cover this shift I can offer you $75 an hour. I thought for a moment

[00:20:24] the extra money would be a big boost and honestly, I didn't have plans for the night. Can I have tomorrow off if I do? A half grin appeared on his face. Sure thing. Thanks, kid. He pointed to his office. Let's talk in the office.

[00:20:54] We retreated to the shabby, cramped office. Paul opened a large cabinet, revealing several monitors showing multiple angles of the perimeter of the building. You'll be in here most of the time. Keep an eye on the cameras. Every hour do a check of the building, both the warehouse and showroom. He pulled a flashlight from a drawer and handed it to me.

[00:21:23] Only the lights here in the office will be on so you'll need this. I nodded. Oh, also, and this is important. He stared intently at me. Don't sit or lie on any of the mattresses for more than ten minutes. Yeah, I remember. I replied.

[00:21:53] I walked with him up to the front doors. He flipped a master switch and, with a groan, the industrial lights of the showroom went dark. I watched Paul lock the doors from outside and head to his truck. Then I turned around to the dark, vast space, flipped on the narrow beam of my flashlight, and worked my way through the maze of mattresses back to the office. At ZocDoc,

[00:22:22] we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not in network. Press 1 for more options. You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months. But ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews. Then book instantly. ZocDoc. Ready to be seen?

[00:22:52] This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. For 125 years, Nordstrom has been part of your story. The stylist who found the perfect outfit for your big interview. The first pair of walking shoes for your one-year-old. The tomato soup you shared with your sister at the cafe. These are the moments that make Nordstrom, Nordstrom. Big or small, we're here for all of it. Celebrating 125 years with new moments still ahead. Discover it all in Nordstrom stores and at Nordstrom.com.

[00:23:24] After a few hours and rounds around the building, I began to settle in for the night. I set an hour-long timer on my phone and did my rounds when I had to. But, other than that, I lounged in the office watching YouTube videos. I even ordered some DoorDash around midnight. Thirty minutes after midnight, I saw my DoorDash driver appear on the front door camera. I hurried my way

[00:23:53] through the dark showroom and soon saw the man holding my food, nervously looking around. I began to unlock the door when I heard a distant chuckle. I paused and looked behind me with the flashlight, but I didn't see anything. The delivery man pounded on the door, which brought my focus back to the door. Hey, sorry,

[00:24:21] I said as the door opened. No worries. Here. He handed me my food. Thanks. Hey, were you laughing out here when I was opening the door? He looked at me funny, then shook his head. Nah. He turned and walked away. I relocked the door.

[00:24:51] As I scanned the showroom with my flashlight, I did my best to convince myself that it had just been my imagination. I ate my greasy burger and fries at Paul's desk while watching some mindless video. The security monitors were in my peripheral vision. Movement and a dull thump on one screen made me freeze mid-chew. My eyes moved to the security monitors.

[00:25:23] The monitor showed the only camera that looked into the warehouse. In the center of the screen, a mattress wrapped in clear plastic lay on the floor. It hadn't been there before. It looked like it had fallen off the nearby storage rack. I stared at the screen intently. Swallowing hard, I stood up and,

[00:25:52] though I didn't want to, I knew I had to go into the warehouse. Looking around the office, I saw an old baseball bat in the corner. I grabbed it and stepped into the darkness. The heavy door to the warehouse squeaked loudly as I pushed it open. I cautiously stepped inside. Every step gave a muted echo

[00:26:22] in the large, open space. Hello? I said. My voice seemed so small in the vast area. You can't be back here. I gripped the bat tighter. The lone mattress finally came into view. I stood next to it and scanned the space with the light. There was no sign of an intruder

[00:26:51] since the storage racks were vaulted. There weren't a lot of places for a person to hide. I felt a little better and easily convinced myself that the mattress hadn't been placed properly and had fallen on its own. I pushed it off to the side. It wasn't my job to store this junk. I did a slightly more thorough walk through before returning to the office.

[00:27:22] It was nearly 2am when I started getting sleepy. I could barely keep my eyes open so I decided to do another walk around the building. I yawned and stumbled around slowly. After a while I slowed to a stop. Before me was a king-sized mattress. It looked so inviting so cozy.

[00:27:51] After a moment I gave in and lay down on it. I'll just rest my eyes for a moment. I mumbled aloud. It must have been after 3am when a sharp pain in my right leg woke me up. Dazed I sat up in bed and shone the light on my calf.

[00:28:21] To my shock two long deep gashes leaked my dark blood onto the mattress. It wasn't the same mattress I had fallen asleep on. Before it had been perfectly white and new looking. The best looking mattress in the whole place. But now it was worn and yellow. Several black moldy

[00:28:50] spots dotted its surface. It smelled terrible. What the hell? I muttered. A distinct shuffling answered me. I froze instantly aware that I wasn't alone. I lifted the flashlight towards the darkness but it flickered and quickly died. I smacked it a few times but it didn't help.

[00:29:20] More movement echoed through the door. Who's there? I whispered as I scooted to the far side of the bed. I'm here. A dull almost angry sounding voice replied. My heart skipped a beat as a tall dark shape rose from behind the mattress across the aisle.

[00:29:51] It seemed to be made of nothing but shadow. I panicked and fell off the slowly moved closer. Back on my feet, I dashed down the aisle. The sound of bed frames scraping across the floor told me it was following me. I glanced back at the shadow with every step it seemed to change. It slowly became more human,

[00:30:21] eventually taking the He wore pajamas stained with blood that somehow looked to be still wet. His eyes were completely black, his pajamas were stained with blood and when he stepped into the light I saw two long gashes running down his right leg.

[00:30:53] At the end of the aisle I tripped on the corner of a bed frame and tumbled to the floor. Instinctively I crawled under the frame passed into the next aisle and hid under another. I held my breath as I saw the figure's feet walk by a few aisles over. It made no noise as it moved. At the end of the aisle it

[00:31:23] froze for a moment before walking away from my spot. Releasing my breath I looked around and saw the door to the office just a few hundred feet to my left. My hands shook as I left my hiding spot and crept my way to the office. Once inside I locked the door pulled out my phone and called Paul.

[00:31:53] It rang a few times before a groggy Paul picked up. Hello? He yawned. Paul? I whispered loudly. Someone is in the store. What? He sounded more alert. They cut my leg. I got away but they're looking for me. Did you sleep on a mattress?

[00:32:23] What? Don't lie, did you? Well, yeah. He was silent for a moment before muttering. Damn it. Paul, what is going on? He gave a loud sigh. Some of the mattresses we buy, usually the ones from police auctions

[00:32:53] have some kind of attachment. What? I nearly yelled into the phone. What do you expect from used mattresses? Paul blankly responded. So we sell haunted mattresses? I wouldn't use the word haunted. Well, what damn word would you use?

[00:33:23] Cheap, I stared at the wall. Why did I ever take this job? Listen, Paul continued, there's a container of salt in the desk drawer. Line the door with salt and stay put. I'll be there at first light. With that, he hung up, and I quickly laid a thick

[00:33:53] line of salt across the doorway. moments later, the door shook with desperate pounding. I found you. The voice was playful but aggressive. Please come out. Loud knocks rocked the door. You can't get away. I'll

[00:34:23] follow. I hid under the desk. An angry scream filled the room. Let me in. The door groaned and rattled in its hinges, but it held. The screaming and knocking continued for hours, only growing quiet when the light of the sunrise peeked through the window. The banging stopped

[00:34:51] and the voice said, See you later. Then everything was quiet. Half an hour later, I heard the sound of the door unlocking. Peeking out from under the desk, I saw Paul walk in. You okay? He asked.

[00:35:22] Yeah, now I am. He grunted and nodded. Which mattress did you sleep on? I led him to his pocket. I'll help you load it up. Confused, I looked at him. What? You slept

[00:35:51] on it. It's yours now. Panic ran through me. I don't want it. Sorry, he said. We don't offer refunds. At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that

[00:36:21] early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can upload

[00:36:51] could were going to the mood of name and inside joke the kind of gift that actually fits the person. That's what 30 million customers have been coming back to ZASL for over 20 years to find. Right now save 25% on your first order at Zazzle.com. That's Zazzle.com. Make it Z-amazing!