"My Neighbor Won't Stop Digging" | ClancyPasta PRESENTS

[00:00:00] Hey y'all, Kelly Clarkson here with Wayfair. I know holiday magic starts at home, so I tend to go a little overboard. The twinkling lights, the trees, the cozy blankets, but the thing I love even more than decorating is having everyone over and knowing my home is ready. With Wayfair, it's easier than ever to make holiday magic at home. Ooh, I think I found room for one more wreath. Don't wait, head to Wayfair.com and get your home holiday ready today.

[00:00:29] When an intruder approaches a home, they expect a camera. What they don't expect... Stop. This is SimpliSafe. Police are on the way. Using smart AI cameras, live U.S.-based agents help deter intruders in under 30 seconds. Don't just record a break-in. Stop it from ever happening. Plan starting around a dollar a day. Right now, get 60% off your new system with professional monitoring at simplisafe.com slash Spotify.

[00:00:53] 30 seconds response time requires monitoring plan with outdoor protection starting at $49.99 a month. Visit simplisafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information. Clancy Pasta presents My Neighbor Won't Stop Digging by N.J. Parker And you're listening to ClancyPasta.

[00:01:14] Greg was a totally normal person by all accounts. Everyone I knew in the neighborhood thought well of him, as far as I could tell. I even helped him build an extension onto his house so he'd have a guest room for his daughter to sleep in whenever she visited, which occurred irregularly but still frequently.

[00:01:45] He was on the fresher side of 60, retired, and liked to play golf. I'd known him about five years before, one day, he just started digging. From dawn to dusk, he never stopped. It only took a day or two before everyone in the neighborhood got nervous and asked me to talk to him. I apprehensively accepted the job.

[00:02:14] Being closest to him, I guess, I thought I had more skin in the game. Our houses faced away from each other, so I could talk to him from behind my backyard fence, which was only about waist high, but still made me more comfortable. He dug with a machine-like rhythm, the exact same amount of time between each strike of the shovel.

[00:02:40] I rested one hand on my fence in an attempt to appear relaxed. Hey, Greg. Say, uh... Whatcha doin' there? With one more strike, he left his implement in the earth. Sod farming. He spoke monotone. Then he smiled. Family business.

[00:03:09] He went straight back to digging. I was about to press further. Before I realized, he hadn't stopped looking at me. The digging was just as precise as before. His face wore the mask of hard work as his eyes, completely relaxed, looked straight at me. Uh... Yeah, okay.

[00:03:38] Well, good luck with that. I walked as calmly as I could back to my house. The bead of his shovel I unconsciously followed with each step. As each day passed, the hole got deeper and deeper. I kept some kind of track of his progress by the amount of dirt he was unloading onto his yard, which he pushed to the edges of the property,

[00:04:07] creating a mountain that wrapped around his entire backyard. As odd as it might sound, the neighborhood became sort of desensitized to it. It wasn't hurting anyone, and no one had his daughter's number to check in with her, so... We just kind of waited and watched. Or I waited and watched. From my window, the hole was still visible.

[00:04:36] I set up a makeshift lookout post with some binoculars on a tripod and a tent made from table ends and my dark red comforter. The second thing of note was that he stopped coming out. Prior to this, he had a bunch of coolers delivered to his home, which he took down into the hole. Once those were down there, I never saw him again.

[00:05:07] At least, not with my binoculars. The mounds of dirt, and eventually rock, continued to grow in size despite this. The time soon came that his daughter would usually visit, but I did not see her come or go. I couldn't see the driveway for my vantage point, though. And at that point, I was too freaked out to go anywhere near that house.

[00:05:37] I smoked some weed, tried to calm down, and watched. He had a concrete mixer delivered to his house, which he took down the hole. After that, it was various household appliances like fridges, ovens, and shit. Enough to start a fine dining establishment. Then, I heard it for the first time.

[00:06:07] That divine flute playing a light, airy melody. At that moment, I remembered his daughter plays the flute. So, you're not worried about hosting the whole family for the holidays? Why would I be? Wayfair had everything I needed to get the house holiday ready. What if Mike brings his cheerful dogs? My tree has tons of five-star reviews telling me how sturdy it is. But what if everyone's plus one brings a plus one? We'll see how extendable

[00:06:37] this extendable table really is. And, extra chairs are on the way. Okay. What if there's a blizzard and everyone has to sleep over? Ready to go with extra bedding and towels. From guest-ready essentials to holiday decor you can trust, Wayfair delivers. I'm Serena Williams, and I'm healthier on row. I've lost 34 pounds in a year with GLP-1's diet and exercise. On row, you can access GLP-1 options, including the first FDA-approved GLP-1 pill for weight loss. Go to row.co

[00:07:06] slash journey to see if you qualify. 14 to 20% average weight loss in one year in non-diabetics with obesity or overweight with a weight-related medical condition versus 2.2% to 3.1% in placebo R. RX only. To stay informed about serious side effects, go to row.co slash safety. Later that week, my friend Sally came over for dinner. This was a semi-regular thing where I'd make dinner for her and she'd come straight over from work. She was a beat cop

[00:07:35] and worked crazy hours. This was how she liked to start her weekends. That particular evening, I made us homemade barbecue chicken pizza, packed six joints, and adds a Arizona iced tea in the fridge. Ginseng and honey, to be specific. How's the neighbor thing going? She asked after exchanging pleasantries. Not since I told you about the flute.

[00:08:04] I lit her joint. Honestly, I've been trying not to think about it too much. Oh, my bad. No, it's okay. It's not like that. She still had her uniform on, but it was in what she called casual mode. The button-up was untucked and unbuttoned, revealing a white undershirt. She sighed with relief as she sat and took her belt off. I went to retrieve

[00:08:33] the pizza from the oven. As was customary, not to brag too much, a long period of silent eating followed. We wordlessly passed the joint back and forth. Two joints later, there was no pizza left. Sally slouched in her chair and let her entire body relax. Oh, man. Thank you.

[00:09:03] Anytime. I stood and started cleaning up the table. Oh, shit. Let me help. Hold on. Dog. Hell no. She raised her hands and mocked surrender, then collapsed back into the chair. I put some music on with my record player. I brought water and we kicked our feet up with another joint and just listened. I put Miles Davis

[00:09:32] kind of blue on. Our brains swirled through the music and for about 20 minutes, our minds were worry-free. It was after that I noticed an errant discord in the music. I heard a flute. Not even remotely the same time signature. It was way slower like a lullaby. I remembered.

[00:10:03] The fuck is that? It's the flute I told you about. I turned the jazz off, kind of pissed that shit got interrupted. This guy's driving me fucking crazy. Sally looked out the back window. Uh, there's whole families just walking calmly into the hole.

[00:10:33] What? I went all the way up to my lookout position and saw it for myself. All the families were hand in hand. The hole was wide enough that four or five people could easily go in at a time. What the fuck? Sally went out into the street to my left and tried to talk to the people with her uniform

[00:11:03] back in professional mode. She even had her vest on. I joined her and watched as everyone calmly ignored us. When we stood in front of them, they simply said, excuse me, with a fake smile and then they would just go around. Everyone said those same two words the exact same way. They also all walked barefoot,

[00:11:32] dressed in nightgowns, underwear, and pajamas. I'm gonna call Merle. I don't think I can explain this to dispatch. Sally, please try. Yeah, I'll try. She pressed. Are you fucking high? I could hear the dispatcher on the other end laughing.

[00:12:02] Eventually, it became a chorus of laughing voices. No, guys, I'm being completely serious. Hold on, let me call one of you on FaceTime. Ain't no shot, I can't wait. The lights that I left on, which turned my house into a beacon, suddenly went dark. The laughter cut off left the sound of shuffling feet and the kicking of loose rocks.

[00:12:37] Do you have any idea what is happening? Fuck if I know. All he ever told me was that he was sod farming. Jesus. Do you think Merle can hear the flute from this place? Almost an answer. We heard the honking of a car horn and slowly but surely, headlights rounded the corner onto my street. Get out of the way, damn it.

[00:13:07] Merle's yell echoed to us. Can't you fucking idiots hear me? I don't think they can, Merle. The response was delayed. I know, I'm just venting some of my anxiety. He decided to put the car in park and walk the rest of the way. He had his uniform on but no vest.

[00:13:37] Merle, why don't you... Don't argue with me, woman. Now, should we commence investigating or are we gonna just keep fussing around? We decided to table the discussion before making our way to the front of the house. That's his daughter's car, I said. How long has she been here? Sally asked.

[00:14:08] I don't know, the neighborhood was supposed to keep their eyes peeled. Merle ran up and kicked the front door open in one grand motion. Sally just stood a few feet from the door. Are you drunk? Y'all are both high, so I don't want to hear it. He drew his gun and rushed into the building, dramatically clearing corners.

[00:14:38] Merle, can you just chill the fuck out? We looked through the whole house and found no sign of anyone. It was like the house was ready to get sold. Rooms were all clean, beds made, no signs of human habitation, not even a toothbrush, the oven, the fridge, and the washing machine had been removed.

[00:15:12] Your neighbor dug this by himself? Merle asked. Yep, I answered. He brought a concrete mixer down there too, so there's no telling what he's got down there, Sally said. Shit. Don't you think we should wait for backup? Merle was sweating. What happened to your jingoist spirit?

[00:15:41] She asked. Oh, fuck it. He started walking down the hole. We followed. I can't remember how long we were walking. Wooden beams held the ground above. He made some concrete pillars as well. He took great care to make this safe, Sally said. long-lasting,

[00:16:12] I said. Eventually, we came across a room carved into the side of the tunnel. Up some wooden steps and we were suddenly in an idyllic suburban kitchen. A door led to an empty bedroom. How long has he been down here? Merle asked. He was breathing short.

[00:16:42] Half a year, give or take, I responded. He gave a dry chuckle that was more of a scoff. The air seemed to get heavier as we went further down. Eventually, we rounded a corner and entered a corridor that led to a set of blood-red double doors. What the fuck? Merle began hyperventilating.

[00:17:14] Merle? Sally stepped closer and put her hand on his shoulder. It's okay, it's just a door. He seemed almost in pain then, whimpering, no, it's not, he yelled. It's not just a door. He reached for his gun. Sally stepped back, doing the same. Merle, don't do that. His eyes locked onto mine.

[00:17:44] The flute shrilled. It's not just a door. Spoken calmly, he unholstered his gun and began raising it, level with those eyes. Sally was faster. She quickly drew and shot one time center mass. Merle still squeezed the trigger.

[00:18:14] The bullet hit my left calf and hurt like hell. I screamed and fell to the ground clutching my leg. Damn it, Merle! She reappraised and drew her attention to me. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm great, I winced. She wrapped my leg with a piece of Merle's shirt. Why didn't he wear his vest? She was crying.

[00:18:44] I pulled her into a tight hug. You saved my life, I said. Can you walk on the other lake? Yeah. Okay, let's get you out of here. No, wait. What? Try the door. What? They might need help. I'll be fine.

[00:19:16] I'll right there. here. Of course, I lied. She opened the red doors. I crawled in behind her. We were welcomed with silence as we entered. The room was bathed in golden light from four light fixtures at each corner and an impressive

[00:19:45] chandelier hanging from the high abyssal ceiling. looking into the darkness. I felt a terrible unease, so I quickly leveled my eyes with the scene before us. My neighbors were all neatly arranged around a huge banquet table. I'd say there were about 50 people down there. I didn't see any of the

[00:20:15] kids. What I did see at the head of the table opposite me was a woman. She sat on a bare stone pedestal with no back. Her skin was dried out and pulled taut against her bones. Hanging from strings that led up into the void, a flute rested.

[00:20:45] Hands clutched the instrument, but she sat frozen with her eyes closed and a frown of deep sorrow. So you're not worried about hosting the whole family for the holidays? Why would I be? Wayfair had everything I needed to get the house holiday ready. What if Mike brings his cheerful dogs? My tree has tons of five-star reviews telling me how sturdy it is. But what if everyone's plus one brings a plus one? We'll see how extendable this extendable

[00:21:15] table really is. And extra chairs are on the way. Okay. What if there's a blizzard and everyone has to sleep over? Ready to go with extra bedding and towels. From guest-ready essentials to holiday decor you can trust, Wayfair delivers. Traditional home security only alerts you after a break-in, and that's too late. SimpliSafe is changing that. Stop. This is SimpliSafe. Police are on the way. We don't just alert. We help stop crime before it starts. Plan starting around a dollar a day. Right now,

[00:21:44] get 60% off your new system with professional monitoring at simplisafe.com slash Spotify. SimpliSafe, ahead of crime in real time. Outdoor deterrence plans start at $49.99 a month. Visit simplisafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information. Greg entered from a door behind her with a tray filled with plates of fresh food. There was meat, potatoes, and carrots on every single plate.

[00:22:14] He kissed his daughter on the head before serving everyone at the table. Ah, you made it, he said as he neared Sally and I. And you brought a plus one. How nice. Please, take a seat. Dinner just finished. There aren't plates for you, but I'll hop back there lickety-split as soon as I serve everyone else. He passed

[00:22:43] us and continued his way down the opposite side of the table. Sally had her hand on the holstered pistol and I could see the thoughts in her head as she debated drawing on Greg. What the fuck is going on, Greg? Ah, I wouldn't do that, miss.

[00:23:13] Sally had her pistol drawn and pointed at him. He took a little, demeanor remaining steadfast. He didn't say anything, he just pointed up. We both slowly turned our heads upwards. All we saw was the same darkness.

[00:23:42] With this brief moment of distraction, Greg silently grabbed a huge kitchen knife and drove it into Sally's neck vertically. She quickly brought her head back down, her chin pushing the knife horizontal and deeper. Eyes wide, she looked at me. Blood shot from her neck covering the meals of some of my neighbors, but they kept eating. I maintained eye contact for the brief moment. Sally was

[00:24:12] still upright. All she mustered was a gurgle before falling flat forward. the knife hit the floor and drove through to the other side of her head. Her body twitched and squirmed like she was having a seizure. More blood gushed and the sounds of her choking became the most prominent as she attempted to cough up what was blocking her breathing.

[00:24:43] Slowly, the agitation subsided and she lay motionless, blood still spreading across the hard wood floor. Sally? I was in shock and frozen. Sally, please! I crawled to her. I felt helpless. Why did you kill her? I asked Greg after some time.

[00:25:15] Forever must be. Forever, Clark. He served the last plate on the tray before kissing his daughter again. Don't you want to be Clark forever? He asked as he walked backwards, pushing the door out with his back. It closed and a new fear took me. I was alone then.

[00:25:46] Even Greg gave me some sense of familiarity and comfort. I started hyperventilating, unable to take my eyes off the darkness above me. Was there something up there? My mind began making shapes that weren't there. Look, I heard Greg speak right next to me. He was holding a plate full of food out to me. Don't

[00:26:16] look up there now. Ain't nothing up there. Are you sure? Oh, yes, absolutely. I looked again at the meat and suddenly became horribly hungry. I felt the saliva building up in my mind.

[00:26:45] What is this? I asked. He let out one loud laugh as he set the plate next to me on the floor. He continued laughing, approaching his daughter who he kissed again. Sweet Cynthia. He looked back at me. What are children if not extensions of

[00:27:15] ourselves, Clark? Continuations, so to speak, looking at his daughter pensively. Yeah, I would prefer permanence personally. He smiled as I realized what the meat was. Ain't it something? You don't even have a kid. Damn,

[00:27:45] this costs nothing for you. He began yelling. You little piece of shit freeloader. Why, why don't you have kids? Your dick doesn't work or something like that? He

[00:28:15] took Sally's gun from her dead hands without thinking and fired once. The sound was trapped in the room, so the crack was deafening. Greg looked at the new bullet wound in his hand. You shot me. He looked bewildered. I pulled the trigger two more times, aiming for center mass. One hit him in the gut and he fell back against the wall.

[00:28:45] What? No! Bye! Bye! He looked up, almost accusing the darkness. Forever. Forever. Forever. He repeated as I walked over to him and painlessly put a bullet in his head.

[00:29:17] The flute music resumed. And next thing I knew, uh, I was devouring my uneaten plate. Forever. Must be forever, I said. The meat was delicious. If you're reading this, I turned out more than alright.

[00:29:47] You should come over. Come be our neighbor. Forever. Hey y'all, Kelly Clarkson here with Wayfair. I know holiday magic starts at home, so I tend to go a little overboard. The twinkling lights, the trees, the cozy blankets, but the thing I love even more than decorating is having everyone over and knowing my

[00:30:17] home is ready. With Wayfair, it's easier than ever to make holiday magic at home. Ooh, I think I found room for one more wreath. Don't wait, head to wayfair.com and get safe. Safe keeps danger away from your family with three layers of protection. One, smart AI cameras and live US-based agents help stop intruders before they break in. Two,

[00:30:46] we sound the alarm at points of entry. Three, our agents request emergency response. Plans starting around a dollar a day. Right now, get 60% off your new system with professional monitoring at simplysafe.com slash Spotify. Outdoor deterrence plans start at $49.99 a month. Visit simplysafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information.