"The Crab Traps of Goodwin's Island" | ClancyPasta PRESENTS

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[00:01:00] ClancyPasta presents The Crab Traps of Goodwin's Island by Sammy Hutchison. Sammy Filming. And you're listening to ClancyPasta. Growing up in Chop Tank proper, you hear the evil tales of Goodwinds Island.

[00:01:28] Men with hooks through their necks. Ladies appearing through the mud that sucked the life of a man out through their nostrils. Children that eat human flesh. And so the stories go. I always found them a little far-fetched, if I'm frank with you. Campfire fodder and hooey to scare children. But grown men would stray their fishing boats far from that shore because of those tales.

[00:01:56] Preferring to take their chances on less fruitful waters just so they wouldn't be eaten by a kraken shaped like a clam. Or what have you. I plopped my crab pots off the shore with pride and, wouldn't you know it, I darn cleaned up like a donkey on a straw sundae. My traps burst with crabs like I had never seen it. The traders at the market were befuddled. I repeat, befuddled.

[00:02:25] You hoodwinking SOB! Yelled Darnell. Hoodwinking? You hold your tongue, you fat load! I said. To be fair, I had a larger stomach than Darnell. But it felt appropriate. Well, if you ain't stealing these from other people's pots, where in the Sam Hill are you trapping such a load? Any crabber man worth his salt wouldn't tell a Gabby Cathy like you a thing.

[00:02:57] He scoffed at me. But that was true. A crabber man does not divulge a hot spot because next thing you know it's run over, even with the lore of Goodwin's Island. But, wouldn't you know it, when I went out to my crab pots the next day, they were gone. Every. Single. One.

[00:03:23] Someone had followed me out the day prior, I just knew it. Although, why they would take the traps and not drop their own or just steal my crabs, I could not figure. I went back to my pier and wrangled some more metal cages and buoys and bait, and I laid them down again, right along Goodwin's Island. The next day, gone.

[00:03:50] I hightailed it to the market again and grilled Darnell and the other traders. To say they were jovial and condescending in my accusations of trap theft would be a kindness. But, I had a plan. I was out of money and traps, but I had some buoys. So, I tethered some strings to rocks and attached them to the buoys so they'd sit just as they would with traps.

[00:04:19] And I'd camp out on the island and snag the thief. I was not prone to fisticuffs, but I would let the circumstance guide me. I dropped the buoys and moseyed on the shore. I pulled my skiff behind some marsh grass and hid behind it, ready to pounce. The morning turned to night, and there was not a soul. But I had some cornbread and I enjoyed the quiet. I thought I was about to nod off.

[00:04:49] When! A rowboat began to come down the bend. A small torch was lit at the bow guiding its way. The captain wore a large fishing hat that covered most of their face, and they wore fishing bibs. I knew it. But I did not speak as I watched them come through and nab up the buoys.

[00:05:15] What you gonna do with them rocks you god dang Johnny come lately? I muttered and laughed at myself under my breath. Strangely, the fisherman did not react. They just continued on. So, I got my skiff back in the water and went in pursuit from a distance.

[00:05:38] It began to snake through the tidal creeks of Goodwin's Island, which gave me great pause, even with my skepticism. It began to smell of... Rotting bodies. Animals, I presumed. And then the moon cast a light on a collection of sticks, with the skulls of deer stuck upon them. I had to place a hand over my mouth to catch the gasp.

[00:06:06] Then, I saw it. The boat made its way to an old, derelict, run-aground crabbing boat from, what I'd reckon, decades ago. The fisherman pulled their boat up to a massive hole in its side, tied up their rowboat, and stepped inside, taking the torch with them. I had them.

[00:06:34] As I got closer, much to my surprise, I began to hear singing. Beautiful, beautiful singing. She got the whole world in her hands. She got the whole wide world in her hands. She's got the whole world in her hands.

[00:07:06] Blasted me. The thief is a woman, I thought. I pulled up quietly to the rowboat that floated outside the hole of the wreckage. I tied up to it and hopped in so I could peer into the hole where the torch lit the scene. When... My mouth dropped open.

[00:07:29] A cast iron bathtub sat dead in the middle and, in it, was the most angelic woman I have ever set eyes on. Her red hair cascaded out of the tub and onto the floor. She now just hummed the melody of the song as she made. I was transfixed. Until... Good evening, Crabber man.

[00:07:59] She said sweetly. My eyes went wide and I lost my breath. Will you join me while the waters roar? I still couldn't speak. But I stepped inside. You've fortune in our waters, haven't you? I finally mustered a word. Ma'am.

[00:08:28] Which made her look at me for the first time. She smiled a smile that could make a thousand men melt. Take off your skivvies and join me. Perhaps we can talk through it. To tell you I was bedazzled would be false. Whatever a mixture of that and terrified would be, that was my state. But for some reason, I listened.

[00:08:55] As if my body moved independently from thought. I nestled into the water and looked at the beauty who stared back at me. And finally, I found a voice. You are the one who has been stealing my traps? She laughed with an incandescence. It was to keep you from harm. Harm?

[00:09:24] Perhaps man's foolishness does not know subtlety? She said. I do not follow. You've taken too much, crapper man. I found my nerve once more and stuck up my chin a bit. I can take as much as I please. Tears began to roll down her face.

[00:09:53] Yet she smiled so brightly back at me. She will take you then. Then, a dread rolled over me like I've ever felt. As I realized. Why can't I move? I was paralyzed. Quite literally. When her eyes rolled back in her head.

[00:10:20] And her mouth opened up to a size that was devilscent. I screamed. But that was nothing compared to what I then saw. At first one. Then ten. Then a hundred. And then what felt like a thousand fiddler crabs came pouring from her mouth. I screamed a biblical horror. But it was for naught. They began to cover me.

[00:10:49] Eating my flesh. Up my legs. Then my torso. My neck until they covered my face. And my screams fell silent. But as they filled. My mouth. The darkness. Suddenly burst to light. And it was morning.

[00:11:17] And I was on the same beach where I had hid. The night prior. When I woke up. I was naked. Inside one of my rusty crab traps. Next to the dozens of crab traps that had been taken from me. Strewn all along the beach. And along my body. Were hundreds of pincer cuts. I left all the traps there.

[00:11:47] I paddled home and quickly found different employment. I've had many call me a drunkard or a liar. So I send them to visit that gaggle of crab traps on Goodwin's Island. And that's the last bit of guff I hear from them. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT.

[00:12:17] Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers. Give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files. And it can create real work documents. Like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode. Available on Plus and Pro Plans. I see you.

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