"The Trick or Treaters in My Town Don't Wear Costumes" | ClancyPasta PRESENTS

[00:00:00] Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk-takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

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[00:01:00] ClancyPasta presents, The Trick or Treaters in My Town Don't Wear Costumes, by Steve McNelly Fiction.

[00:01:12] And you're listening to ClancyPasta. I used to love Halloween. It used to be my favorite holiday. I looked forward to it every year, and I would always become melancholy when November first rolled around and the festivities had finally come to an end.

[00:01:36] Now, November can't arrive soon enough. Now, I despise Halloween and everything that comes with it. It fills me with a heavy sense of dread that only becomes worse the closer we get to that cursed day. And it's all because of the trick-or-treaters in my town. They aren't like regular trick-or-treaters.

[00:02:04] Where in most places, trick-or-treating ends fairly early, usually by about 8 or 9 p.m. at the latest. In my town, it lasts all through the night. Trick-or-treaters can and will show up from before sunset until the crack of dawn. And you better have somebody at the front door with a candy bowl ready to greet them all night long. Work in shifts if you need to. Just make sure that somebody is there.

[00:02:33] God forbid you make it to the door too late or, even worse, run out of candy to give to them. Making them wait might annoy them, but you can usually get back on their good side if you give them a few extra sugary treats and apology. Getting caught without any candy in the house is a different story. You never know how many will show up on any given Halloween.

[00:03:01] I've had as few as four visitors one year, with as many as over 200 another. And it's for this reason that folks around here like to stock up early. Not too early, mind you. You still want to make sure you have a good stash of Halloween-themed goodies for the more picky visitors, who wouldn't eat a regular Reese's Peanut Butter Cup to save their lives.

[00:03:25] But it's not uncommon to see all of the stores in town picked clean of candy well before we even make it into October. And when that happens, good luck finding anything sugary in town until November. If you find yourself low in supplies for the upcoming night, then you will likely need to drive pretty far out of the way in search of sweets. And you had better hope that there aren't too many other people in the same boat.

[00:03:55] More strange than their unusual visiting hours is the fact that trick-or-treaters in my town don't wear costumes. No stores in the area even bother selling any for that very reason. It would simply be too poor of an investment to do so. In most other towns, no costume means no candy. But that simply isn't the case here.

[00:04:23] I don't care if a trick-or-treater walks up to you in a white t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants. If they say those three magic words, then you had better give them their reward. In a similar vein, most towns have an age cut off for trick-or-treaters that candy givers like to enforce. We do not.

[00:04:50] Sure, most trick-or-treaters who come through here certainly look young enough to pass for children. But there are plenty whose size and face would get them turned away at the door for being too old in any other town. We don't turn anybody away here. It's incredibly unwise to do so. Every visitor gets a treat. Or else they get to perform their trick.

[00:05:19] Trust me when I say that you're better off not being stingy with your candy. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk-takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts. And extroverts. The thinkers. And the doers. For old friends.

[00:05:49] And new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu. And the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app.

[00:06:17] Another oddity in my town is that the trick-or-treaters don't behave like normal children. Sure, they may resemble herds of eager kids at first glance. But any amount of keen observation allows you to easily see beyond this facade. The visitors don't talk. The visitors don't talk. Or laugh. Or joke around as they move from house to house. They move about in complete silence.

[00:06:47] And with a complete lack of any sort of enthusiasm. The only words they speak are those three spoken by every trick or treater upon arriving at a house. But even then, there is no life behind their voices. No energy behind the things they say. It's as if this is merely a chore to them. A task to complete each Halloween night.

[00:07:16] If this is the case, then I wish somebody would tell them that they don't have to do this every year if they don't want to. Maybe something compels them to do it. Maybe they don't have a choice. I do not think I will ever know the true reason for their strange behavior. But I would gladly give up the possibility of such knowledge forever. If they would simply stop doing this every year.

[00:07:45] This is just wishful thinking, of course. I know such a thing is never going to happen. The trick or treaters are here to stay. And we simply have to live with that fact. Nobody else goes trick or treating on Halloween night. And everybody is too busy prepping for the long night ahead to indulge in any festive activities. But even if they weren't,

[00:08:14] they wouldn't be able to partake in the night's main event. Trick or treating is only for the trick or treaters. To encroach on their yearly ritual is an even worse infraction than not having any candy to give them when they come knocking. Nobody but the trick or treaters have trick or treated in this town for generations. If they have it their way, nobody else in this town will trick or treat ever again.

[00:08:46] I can still remember our first encounter with the trick or treaters. We had been so unprepared for them back then. I won't ever let us be unprepared again. My wife wasn't happy when I told her the bad news. My job was about to relocate our family for the third time in five years, even though they had promised me that things were finally going to be stable for a while.

[00:09:16] It is for this reason that, although my new office was in a rather large city, I quickly gave in to my wife's demands to move to a small town over an hour away from work. To call this place a town honestly feels like a stretch. It's home to one or less of every type of business. Doctor, plumber, grocery store, etc. And the only chain establishment for at least ten miles

[00:09:44] is a single outdated McDonald's, where most of the local teens tend to work their first jobs. The town is about as remote as it gets, while still being a reasonable distance from my job, which is exactly what my wife wanted. Moving there brought her a glimmer of happiness during a very stressful, tumultuous time in our lives, so I was more than willing to give that to her.

[00:10:15] We had moved into town in mid-September. By this point, folks were already well into their preparations for Halloween, and most of the stores were already beginning to run low on candy. Our daughter had been getting to know the neighbor kids, who were also her classmates. They seemed to have hit it off pretty well. By the time the beginning of October rolled around, they were already formulating plans for sleepovers.

[00:10:44] As the early days of autumn droned on and we drew closer and closer to October 31st, our daughter naturally asked her new friends about trick-or-treating plans. She was disheartened when her new friends told her that kids in our town don't get to go trick-or-treating. They never have, her friends had said. And they never would.

[00:11:13] That was the night she told my wife and me about the trick-or-treaters. She relayed the same warning to us that she had received from her classmates, which emphasized the important points that I have already discussed regarding Halloween night. Always be prepared for the arrival of visitors. Always maintain an ample supply of candy that you will give out to any guests who ask for it,

[00:11:40] and never partake in trick-or-treating. Naturally, I didn't believe a word of it. My wife didn't either. Now? Well, I wish that we had. My daughter, on the other hand, was a different story.

[00:12:06] She believed everything their new friends had told her about the trick-or-treaters, and she was absolutely terrified of them. This, combined with the fact that we were unable to find her a costume at any store in town, is what ultimately led her to abstain from trick-or-treating. We tried to convince her that her classmates were simply pulling her leg, but she wouldn't have it. Looking back on it,

[00:12:36] her decision probably saved her life. The night in question arrived quickly. Much like with the Halloween costumes, my wife and I struggled to find any candy in town, but I managed to pick up a few bags on my way home from work one evening thanks to my long commute. The candy sat in our pantry for a few days, until the 31st finally came,

[00:13:05] and it could at last be put to use. Our daughter spent the night dejected in her bedroom, feeling upset that she wasn't out trick-or-treating, but also too afraid of what she'd been told to actually want to do it. My wife and I tried to get her to come downstairs, but when that failed, we wound up spending the evening on the couch, watching a movie without them.

[00:13:35] The beginning of the night was quiet, to the point where I began to wonder if we were going to be seeing any trick-or-treaters at all. It was nearly an hour after sunset, when our doorbell rang for the first time. I got up from the couch, leaving my wife to keep watching our movie as I made my way to the front door. Upon reaching my destination, I picked up the bowl of candy we had left on a table in the foyer,

[00:14:05] and opened the front door, before immediately offering our visitors my first Happy Halloween of the night. What I saw standing there turned my lips downward into a confused frown. Three figures resembling children, ranging in age from about 8 to 11 years old, stood in front of me.

[00:14:35] They all wore plain everyday clothing, without a single costume between them, and none of them met my gaze as I offered them my greeting. Instead, they stood by indifferently, and stared past me into the nothingness that waited there. Trick-or-treat, they all sat in unison as they held out their jack-o'-lantern candy buckets.

[00:15:07] Shouldn't you kids be wearing costumes? I asked. My mind flashed back to my daughter's warding, which my wife and I had ultimately chalked up to being unfounded. A tall tale created by a group of kids to frighten the new girl that, unfortunately, had done its job. I was beginning to have my doubts about this confusion.

[00:15:34] They all remained silent for several seconds. None of them seemed to react to my question. After a short while, they simply repeated their mantra. Trick-or-treat, my frown persisted. But after a few more moments, I ultimately chose to relent. Well,

[00:16:04] all right, I said, offering them the bull. But next year, make sure you're wearing costumes, okay? None of them reached their hands into the bull. None of them even looked its way. They merely kept their eyes forward as they held their buckets in the same direction. Trick-or-treat,

[00:16:35] a sudden, inexplicable pit in my stomach told me that I didn't want to find out what would happen if I made them repeat the phrase a fourth time. I hastily dug my hand into the bull and produced three pieces of candy, which I placed into each bucket. Once their prizes had been received,

[00:16:59] they simply turned around and disappeared into the nighttime darkness without so much as another word. I retreated back inside and returned the bull to its chair. As I walked back to the living room, I once again thought back to the warning my daughter had been given. How'd it go? She asked.

[00:17:29] You're not going to believe this, I said. But they actually weren't wearing costumes. My wife frowned. Wow, she said. I seriously thought that was a prank. Me too, I agreed. And if it was just a prank,

[00:17:53] I highly doubt if any of the other kids at her school would have gone out tonight without a costume just to drive it home. Maybe it's some kind of strange cultural thing in this town, she said. Some small towns have weird stuff like that. I shrugged. I guess it would explain why we couldn't find any costumes in the local shops.

[00:18:22] We were confused by this revelation, but we chalked it up as a piece of that same strange culture that can come with small, tight-knit towns, and we decided to let it rest. More trick-or-treaters began to stop by our house as the night continued on.

[00:18:48] My wife and I passed treat duty back and forth for a while, with each of us handing out candy to a seemingly endless procession of visitors. On one of my turns, I opened the door to see four visitors that resembled children standing with what looked to be a single adult in their late thirties or early forties. All five of them held out their orange jack-o'-lantern buckets,

[00:19:16] and they all offered me the usual trick-or-treat. As soon as I opened the door, I placed candy into the buckets of all four children, but I hesitated before the lingering bucket of the adult. Aren't you a bit old to be trick-or-treating? I said. Trick. Or. Treat.

[00:19:46] The adult said again. I frowned. A familiar unease filled my stomach with the second uttering of the mantra. Insistent, aren't you? Trick. Or. Treat. That unease grabbed my stomach and twisted,

[00:20:15] forcing my hand. Oh, alright, fine. I said, reaching into my bowl and producing a piece of candy. I briefly noted that the bowl was already getting low as I placed the candy into the bucket. The five trick-or-treaters turned and walked away without another word. I told my wife about the encounter,

[00:20:45] who did her best to brush it off. I guess it can't hurt if an adult wants to trick-or-treat with their kids, she said. It may be a bit weird to be so insistent, but mostly harmless. I ultimately decided to agree with her, despite my reservations, and we allowed the night to continue on.

[00:21:14] The hour grew late as we finished our second movie of the evening while munching on a few pieces of candy, and as the clock struck 11pm, we finally decided to call it a night. We went upstairs, checked on our sleeping daughter, and made our way to bed, where we expected to remain until morning. You can imagine my surprise, then,

[00:21:42] when I was suddenly awoken by the sound of our doorbell in the middle of the night. I shot up in bed, my brain still hazy with sleep as I looked at the clock. It was 3.02am. Confused, I glanced over at my wife to see that she was still asleep. The doorbell chimed again,

[00:22:09] prompting me to struggle out of bed and make my way across the cold hardwood floor to our bedroom door. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts. And extroverts. The thinkers. And the doers. For old friends.

[00:22:39] And new. Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweet Green. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu. And the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweet Green app.

[00:23:08] I grumpily proceeded down the stairs and toward the front door, opening it just as the bell rang for a third time. Four childlike visitors, cloaked in the darkness of the three o'clock hour, stood on the other side of the threshold. Their words, spoken in unison, were almost baffling enough to knock me off my feet.

[00:23:39] Trick or treat. Do you kids have any idea what time it is? Yes, I said, more than a little annoyed. It's three in the morning. Well past trick-or-treating hours. Trick or treat. They said again.

[00:24:07] That familiar knot immediately returned to my stomach. All right, all right, I said quickly. Just... Give me a second. Temporarily retreating inside, I found the candy bowl sitting on the nearby table and immediately brought it outside. I began handing out candy before they could speak again. One piece,

[00:24:37] then two, then three, and finally, my hand scraped the bottom of the bowl. I realized, with an odd degree of dismay, that I was short one piece of candy. Looking at the final trick-or-treater, I frowned. Sorry, kid, I said. I'm all out.

[00:25:10] Trick. Or treat. Treat. The fourth child said. Its words exacerbated the already dense ball in my gut, twisting it like a stiffly tuned guitar string. I told you I'm out. I stammered quickly, not sure why I was suddenly so nervous. I'm sorry.

[00:25:39] What else do you want me to say? A long silence passed between the trick-or-treater and me, during which I dreaded hearing that phrase again. I felt as though that string of twelve letters would be enough to send me to my knees in an instant. All the visitor would have to do was say those three words, and I would collapse like a house of cards in the autumn breeze.

[00:26:11] Instead, the visitor lowered its jack-o'-lantern bucket, turned around, and walked away. Its companions remained still for a brief moment, before they followed after their friend. I immediately stepped back and closed the door behind them, breathing a deep sigh of relief.

[00:26:40] After taking a few moments to compose myself, I returned the empty bowl to its table, moved into the kitchen to drink a quick glass of water, and made my way back upstairs. I had already reached the master bedroom, when I suddenly saw my daughter step out of the gloom. The sight of her almost made me jump out of my skin. What

[00:27:09] are you doing up, honey? I asked, trying to hide how startled I was. My friends told me what happens when you run out of treats. She said, her wavering voice indicating that she was on the verge of tears. I waited for her to elaborate, but she instead turned and walked back into her room.

[00:27:40] I attempted to follow after her, but she quickly closed the door before I could. I heard its lock click shut, a moment later. I asked if she would open the door, but I received no response. Concerned, I made my way back into the bedroom and approached my wife lying on the bed. Hey, I said quietly,

[00:28:10] sitting against my wife's side of the mattress. Are you awake? I think something is wrong with... I paused, when I realized that my wife's spot was empty. She was gone. Honey? I said, turning on her bedside lamp. Where are you?

[00:28:35] I glanced around the room in search of her, which is when I spotted the open window for the first time. The cool fall breeze drifted in through the aperture and gently tossed the partially pulled curtains. I approached the window in order to close it, which is when I quickly discovered two things. The first

[00:29:05] was that the window's screen was missing. The second was that there was a jack-o'-lantern candy bucket resting on the sill. I stared at the bucket in stunned silence for a few moments, before finally mustering the courage to reach inside. From it,

[00:29:34] I pulled a single empty candy wrapper crumpled up into a loose ball. I opened the wrapper, which is when I discovered the single word scrawled on the inside that made my entire body go numb. Trick. The wrapper leapt for my trembling fingers and floated away. On the cool

[00:30:03] November wind. Thank you all so much for listening to tonight's episode of Clancy Pasta. If you would like to listen to these episodes ad-free, you can always head over to patreon.com slash Clancy Pasta and every tier two dollars and up will get you

[00:30:32] every new episode of Clancy Pasta completely ad-free and you can even listen to it on your favorite podcasting app. Thank you again. I hope you guys are having a wonderful Halloween season and I will talk to you all very soon. Have a good night. Coca-Cola for the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers,

[00:31:02] for the optimists, pessimists, for long distance love, for introverts, and extroverts, the thinkers, and the doers, for old friends, and new. Coca-Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest

[00:31:32] is back on the menu and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app.